she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
