he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
