Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
