Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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