I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
