My underwear smells like fireworks.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
