I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
