I haven't been this sober since birth.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
