Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
