why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
