If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
