Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
