Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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