I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
