working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
