I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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