I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You've changed since you got that strap on
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize