I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
