You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
