So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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