i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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