hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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