dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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