I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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