omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
