Already got asked if we're dating
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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