Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
