How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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