Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you had me at cake vodka
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
