so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
