worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
