So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize