ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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