I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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