I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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