i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I AM VODKA MAN
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
