Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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