so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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