I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
