I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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