I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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