Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
