You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Randomize
