she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
