a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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