3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
