Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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