i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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