I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
