I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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