Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
