Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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