I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize