you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
