I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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