No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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