Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
