just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
